Wednesday, March 22, 2006

T'he Age Of The Horse-Food'...among other things!



You know sometimes! You can feel like beating computers!

Have you seen that Dexter cartoon where his past experiments go to some sort of machine hell! Well that’s where I felt like dispatching my computer!
I had typed out, very nicely, many wonderful things. And I kid you not, it took me some time to type out my work. Suddenly, with no concern for my feelings, the computer decides that it can’t find my work!ooowi, Bill gates needs to be sat down!
oh first i would like to thank those who commented on my previous post!men,for real i had feared that i would be writing to/for myself for a few years.you guys were my first commenters,sniff!shukrani!
Moving on, today I want to talk about the dawn of a new era men!
‘The age of the horse-food has come upon us!’ Tedeng!
Now ebu let me explain to you how people bond with their breakfast tables in this day and age.

Food and their variations
Bran- flakes, stringy things, or in dodgy powder form that looks like it’s definitely from the bottom of the food chain
Wheat- shredded, stringed, circular, square(weetabix), flakes
Oats- giant, small, medium, steel-cut, steam rolled,
Muesli- fruity, nutty, with coconuts, or original.(there must be a fake one out there somewhere
Quinoa, barley, brown rice, wild rice …..etc etc


Ebu wacha I break it down for you! It is no longer considered de rigueur to have a bunch of green thingy’s on your plate in the name of healthy eating! no,no,no! nowadays you need a few brown thingy’s as well! Oooh, a small secret, it is very good if these things are of varying shades of brown, because, ehe, when you go to the loo, ‘the stuff’ is meant to flow smoothly and in the right direction! Yurr!
I heard that ‘the stuff’ is also meant to have some particular colour. I still do not know what colour this is, and I'm not going to bother checking so I can tell y’all….tihihi, sorry for disgusting all y’all! all in all, rabbit food is on the way out.
Anyway, I heard on the radio the other day , that there’s a new wave of cereal bars opening up in the states!
Some dude came up with the brilliant idea that since people are really busy nowadays they have no time to kula breakfast vizuri.so yani to make it life a little easier, all you have to do is swing by some swanky breakfast joint called a cereal bar. Imagine!
you can now, ladies and gentlefolk, order your oats, with a dash of prunes, a sprinkle of raisins and a twist of citronella…on the rocks ( and I mean this literally, you never know what they weka in those vibes for texture. Ooh,I guess they would be small stones so that they don’t get sued for dentist fees!)
For me, this translates as yuppie’s who think it’s not up-town enough to go buying a yellow box of weetabix and a carton of milk! they don’t want to be spotted carrying around gold-crown! What is the world coming to?
Personally I don’t think such a franchise could exist in Kenya! I think we’re just weird like that! we all know that Kenchic might be the only franchise turning a profit! yani steers has gone down, Nandos, almost went down, lakini it has a few branches that are keeping it out of the red, and there was another one that used to be at engen…I can’t even remember the name. I wonder why?...But that’s a storo for another day
On my part, morning bliss is achieved by eating some simple fresh loaf ama a nice chapo!very very nyummmy!
So I arrive in the UK , already dismayed at the fact that chapos are not going to taste the same (UK flour is flimsy or something) and that loaf from the bakery would cost me a bomb! sniff,my heart breaks!
so I tell myself to get a grip, seeing as cereal can be my plan C! yay! So I do a few random mornings of the kawaida cornflakes, supermarket bread and weetabix .. Then at some point I decide to make another one of my mid-season resolutions. I decide to step up the healthy eating plan men! so I strut over to the supermarket and procure shredded wheat!
Ayayayaya!
Yuck! yuck! yuck!...ptu!..ptu!
Have no fear! I don’t give up yet. Perseverance tis my middle name. I then go and buy some wonderfully packaged cereal called Country Crisp. The full vibe of berries and stuff,plus, the packaging was quite tech! you know with some farm house and little birdies and calligraphy……
walalala!
Yuck!yuck!yuck!ptu, ptu!
Men, a sista can’t hack this storo! what is this! yani, my mind and taste buds have been effectively boggled !nimepigwa na butwaaa!
I’ve always been an experimenter, especially with food . Now I’m beginning to think that this might not be a very good thing. Apart from the fodder, I have happened upon other things- tofu, Soya milk, fennel seeds, fish that must not have been reared in water, fruits that made me wonder if some mad scientist had decided that he would genetically modify my papayas so that they taste like paper!
Although I must say I do like wholemeal bread...unsliced! and this makes me feel sad for all those scientists who really worked hard to get the bread all white and sliced. It seems that we’re going way back to our beginnings, eating the same rough food but in prettier packages . hmmm, Soon we might even revert to hunting and gathering! i.e if the animal activists and tree huggers and the pro-climate peeps do their jobs and there’s actually something left to hunt and gather. Then there’ll be no need for supermarkets….ha,ya right!

So what is my conclusion:
- ‘what has been will be again, what has been done will be done again, there is nothing new under the sun’ Eccles 1:9 now doesn’t this make you feel jazzed that you and King Solomon worship the same God, who is infinitely wiser and can tell you even greater, more wonderfully ,wiser ,things ! there’s no need to fret over being out of fashion nowadays, just chill a few years and those tired clothes you’re wearing, yes those ones!they'll be the in thing!( maybe I’m just consoling myself!)
-Maybe Europeans have been conditioned to eat some of these junk! Africans be warned! The age of the horse food has began!

5 comments:

acolyte said...

Oooooh I am number one!I feel you on the diff tastes abroad.Cereal is one of the few delicacies I can count on coz soda here tastes like crap, no cheap tusker, the chicken tastes like rubber, the meat sucks!Oh the inhumanity!But as for franchises you made my day!Kenyans love their junk food cheap and dont want to have style and pizzaz!I mean why buy fries for 60 bob at Nando's when you can get them at Kenchic for 30 bob?
At the end of the day I guess we eat healthier more natural food then these jungus!I would give my left nut for some fresh tangerines right about now!

spicebear said...

do not even got me started on ma-tofu and what nots - there are some things that i am simply unable to even consider eating. and these genetically modified friuts that are tasteless, woi njezus. and as for the horse food you are too right, me i say cornflakes is my story and i am sticking to it.

Anonymous said...

The most famous cereal cafe (and i believe the first to be established in the country) is in Philly -- CEREALITY. The place is always full!

Stunuh Jay said...

EEEW! That's all I can say. Especially about food in general in the UK. Enough to make one anorexic!

Kenyangal said...

You know after moving to the Uk from the states I find the food here sooooo good. Especially the sausages and ships from fish and chips shops, they are soo close to th ones at home. As for cereal I love the sweet ASDA muesli. I don't eat fruits at all