funny...

A pal sent me this today and I really chekad, it was entitled a kuyo baptism!but many of us would do the same thing.ama?

Anyway, last week was interesting, even after my madramas on the bus (yes that was the storo in the last post- i know my sheng is of the...eh, unfamiliar/dodgy breed, lakini I did it all by m'self with the help of some sheng lexicon on google...blame them!)

moving on swiftly...have any of you ever been identity frauded?I may have been, but I'm not sure.

Imagine!

It's sad!money just sprouting legs and walking out of youre account as if its going on holiday! And thats not the end of the story, after youve attempted to find out whats going on i.e investigations have been launched, you've got a prayer committee working round the clock and strategy formulators formualting strategies.... it pulls a houdini and reappears!

What is this surely!

And then youre charged for not having enough money in your account, when in actuality...there should be money in the account!!!!...but its gone on holiday!aki!

For a moment I wondered if I was chiziing kidogo! Is this some sort of normal banking practice that I've never been told about?Well the guy at the bank, made me feel like I was over-reacting which made me so MAD that I could'nt even say anything. When I'm angry I don't make sense,i may have even chucked for him vernacular!so imagine a woman foaming at the mouth,spewing nonsense....in vernacular...heh!ahoy deportation.

I tell you there is some wisdom in keeping money huuukooo under your mattress!patrons of this movement, I salute you.

But as the cartoon says it reminded me that everything that went under belonged to him, so yani I was quite surpised at the calm he gave me, cause things could have gotten thickest!

for now....I don't know... I will brood...or think about bees and things and flowers !

bidii wangu!

Nimesare!sijui niseme….ati challenge!enyewe ata kabla nianze wacha ni accept na grace…nimechallengiwa!sugu maze! bantuts...respect bratha.pia nyinyi, farmgal, egm, unyc, kirima..na etc. mnajijua
Methu ulitaka post ya sheng…ebu karibisha hii-huu!kingoso tumehama jo! Heh,leo ni leo, wacha tumiscommunicate!
Wadhii mkinicheka mtaniona. marking schemes nimeziban zote woiye.morale morale!
njaro ni za jana usiku…mission ilikuwa tu ya kuget home!

1930-2330hrs: Heh!nilikuwa kwa mkutano nyingine ambaye ilimada la..late. Lakini walitupa dish kiasi ili tusiboycott!wa wa! Kabla ya kudema nilibounce! Sa nilipotoka hapo yani, nilikuwa nimepanga nimpitie beshte wangu mwingine huko down! Nikammeet ,tukabonga, tukacheka. Nilipocheki saa nikaona lo, saa tano na nusu imefika jo! Ooooowwwi! Ndae za public, yani javs za huku, zinaishanga midnight!sijagitch hii system maze!
anyway, mi sina dinga therefore nilmwambia beshte bye, alafu nilimarktime mpaka bus stop nige…niget bus. Kufika keja si itakuwa kitu shua…

2337hrs : Njeve imeingia jo! Najaribu kujienskwonce kwa jacket!lakini bado tako linasikia baridi!bus naiona huuuko!inakam!

2340: ninaingia ndae!manzi mwingine ako nami huku down, unajua huku ni madoubledeka maze!Kisha msee mwingine anakam downstairs ,na sijui alimshow dere nini lakini alitoka hapo akifyatua maexpletive, kushuta kwa mdomo maze, alafu akarudi juu!msee wa doba alimfuata, huku akiimba jamrock. alikaa mfunny!anyway, nafikiria Dere alifura aliposikia hayo mambo sababu alisimamisha ndae!
ala! nini iko mbaya boss?!sa manzi yule mwingine si ameenda kuwika hapo mbele ati tutakuwa late!huku mi nikifikiria githaa beshte!kwani irori imemada kwa tank?dere anasema ati anawacall wakarao!Wah!ati anataka yule msee atoke bus yake au ahandwe!
Si dame bado anapiga makelele zake.lakini ilihave effect sababu Dere alirudia kuanzisha gari!basss, twende.

tick-tock

2350: chali yule mkauzi si anakam down,eti anataka kushuka!si dere anastop na anafungua madoor!wacha Dere anasema sijui nini, mkauzi naye anatan round na anamtemea dere mate!PPPTTTHU! lo! diambo i say!

2350…na sekundi mbili: mkono juu!makofi kwa hewa!chali anamshushia dere ,Dere naye ngeta ka ashu ivi kwake!nilisorora hayo na conclusion yangu ilikuwa msee labda alikuwa amesmoke mbachu au labda amechizi kiasi maze. Nilipomwona ivi alionekana kama hao wavagabondi ambao wanabeba madaga jo. Nilijazwa na adrenalin mpaka misuli zangu zilipanuka! Sasa naonekana buff ka ….ka, jet li polite!Lakini nilikaa hapo kifrozen, nikingethia tu!macho round ka mbao (yani 20bab) nikitazama action huku nikisweat!!manzi yule mwingine anawapigia 5-O!
‘please, heeelp!alikuja tu...amemweka tu…msipokuja jameni atamfyeka tu’

Ata sijakuambia, bus haikuwa imewekwa breaki!mti mmoja iko hapo mbele...ditch tunaikaribia….. ngware nitaiona kwa dala hii!

2355: pap!chali mwingine mchinese ameenda kumsaidia dere!alikuwa bodii yani!alishika mfala yule mpyenga na kumkanda ka mandazi!omundo alirushiwa nje!
Dame yule mwingine kwa simu -‘no its alright… I think the driver is ok…hes off the bus…’.
Chali yule mchinese -‘im fine, crazy guy that one’
dere naye -‘….silence….grunt…’
tunaendelea na journaye!

0003: Tunafika city centre, kisha najua tu nikufyang speedi ka carl lewis ili nifike bus stop yangu!...natoka hio bus ka bullet..tiap!
Nikuhema tu, bile iko nikusikia kutema tu, moyo indunda ka imewaka tu..
niko unift kiasi, so nilipofika bus stop nilikuwa karibu niblaki!
NOOOO!kitu ya aajabu!Nilikuwa late! jav hio ya last ilikuwa imeiva!hakuna ati route nyingine ya kufika home!salala…sikuwa na credit atakumtumia mwenye taxi ‘please call me’. Sa nilienda tu kusimama kwa barabara huku nikifeel kidogo ka kuro!(ai sijawahi stand kwa street corner nyakati ka hizo jameni) taxi ilikam na nilienda home kusugua nyarere juu ya mambo haya yote!

Je, ingekuwa wewe kwa hiyo bus ungefanyeje, ungejinare?

bwana methu...methinks i have tried

disclaimer:if words are out of context...utado!!!nende uchambue io siri jo!

colgate is our friend!

It started with a twitch….
Twitch, twitichy-twitch.!
I refused. Yes I did. No way was I going to be derailed into throwing myself on the floor! No way was I going to writhe and wail! I had taken it upon myself to pay full attention today , after all ,this one lecture could be it! This one lecture could be the one thing that got me to greener, if not cleaner pastures. I can see it now, my career growing by leaps and bounds. Yup, that’s me you see getting most prized-wondrous-superlicious employee award. Oscars, Pulitzers, president!!! hahaha ha!
No more 2 bob underwear, no more crackers for breakfast, no homemade deodorant! Ha! Things are looking brighter already.
But it’s all down to me paying attention in class….

Focus! this is the state that I awoke to, and the state in which I would stay. Just..(looking at watch) just…(swallowing waru in throat)… 1 more hour to go.
Twitch , twitichy-twitch……Noooo! Concentration is fleeting, but I must!and so I try a little motivation…. ahem, 'I am here to bow at educations throne! Teach me oh great lecturer! spew forth you’re crumbs of enlightenment! I desire to bask in you’re glow!'
I have been called stubborn before, but this time I'm justified, education I came to get and educated I will be ! Twitch or no twitch.

But then the heat starts creeping up my arm, up my neck , down my thighs, up my hair shaft….ooooowi! I’m a beacon, I’m a beacon!
Hmmmm, but I’m not sure if I’m the only one suffering from some sort of menopausal flash or if the temperature in the room just shot up by 30 degrees. I carry out a mild recon and realize that everyone else seems fine. Sigh…shikilia…45 mins!

The lecture sneaks me a glance. Trying to act as normal as possible, I glare her down .
‘nini!’ says my look of steel.
But my gaze soon atrophies…I feel my spine slacken, my mouth droop, my…wooops, there goes my head…tiiiiiimber!
Straight into my hands it goes. They, my hands, empathetically try to massage that which hurts! I look back at the lecturer, invariably hoping that my stare conveys to her that I do not understand what’s going on! This is not my fault, and I, in all honesty, did not wish to have red eyes and beads of sweat rolling down my face ,in steady cadence I may add.
I know this look is not at all fashionable at the moment neither is it becoming of a lady of my stature. But no, it is not my fault. Perhaps some of that radioactive stuff making its way across England has found its way into my breakfast…but why sneak it into weetabix I ask?
.
Twitch twitichy twitch…..BOOM!
paralysis…mama, I cant feel my legs!
Actually I could, but at that point the pain was too much! I couldn’t think. The keening began somewhere deep within me.

Still. Still I remained silent, slightly feverish, but silent. The lecturer sent me another glance. Had I the audacity or even the will, I would have stuck my tongue out at her. Instead I gazed at her. This time I’m not sure what my gaze conveyed because she sauntered over, and slapped down a set of transparencies! pap!
I look up at her, ‘what’s this?!woman don’t I look siiick!’ I shout. No scratch that, I scream! eh, albeit inwardly.

‘blaaaaog, doooog wooorrrriteig claaablaaaag’
‘Pardon?’ I say, making sure I accented it just right. You know if you speak ki-african they don’t gitch you.
‘blaaaaag yojjjiiuuuuu neeeekgid tiiunngoooo do..’
I shrug.
She goes away.
All I want is morphine.
I saw her mouth moving, but I say, that woman was speaking another language. English university my foot, aliens all of them. Apparently she said something like ‘discuss and then present’. Yeah right.

Anyway, after I understood what it was she required of me, my brain went into over drive. Then it crashed. The task was relegated to the person sitting by my side while the rest of the lecture passed in a blur with me sitting in the corner of the class, sometimes drooling, sometimes nodding my head to show that I was attempting to follow whatever it was that was going on.
Eons later, the class ended…I bolted! Who knows where that strength came from. All I know is I could picture that lil'bottle/box.I could see the pills, I could taste them. Hold on, they taste terrible, but anywho, I wanted them.
As I crashed into the door of my house, I could feel the adrenalin start to wear off…the pain was back..x191million! My knees gave way….goodness would I make it. A whimper escaped me. I fumbled with the keys, my hands shaking, balancing tears kando.
‘c’mon….c’mon….. C’MON!’
Finally the door swung open…behold! Life awaited me!
‘There it is, there it is’, shouted my synapses! I grabbed hold of the box and opened it….
Nothing!
My heart plummeted all the way to the earth’s core!
What could a girl do.?! I just sat down in the middle of the floor…and as the pain pulsed, waves of it threatening to take me over…my life begin to flash before my eyes. My family, my friends, blogiii……I sat up!
It all came back to me…I had one more box in my cupboard! woohoo!I crawled to the cupboard and threw one of my limbs in.
Tededeng….I lifted the box out! And with something akin to awe, took out a pill(s). Panadol had never looked so fiiinnne!
Sufficiently drugged, I lay down and fell into deep stupor, right there in the middle of my bedroom floor….

I have not had a toothache in the last , heh, probably 10 years, this one did me in! I went to book an appointment but they said it would be in the next two weeks. I plan to drag my junkie self to the dentists ofisi on Monday and beg for mercy!
mercy!
Colgate is our friend!