u-pepo mbaya!

how does one induce flatulence?
I'm sorry if the question seems rude.
I'm also sorry that bowel movements have featured quite prominently on my blog this last month.but I ate some cheese and its made me all bloated.
alas! the one time that i unashamedley want to inflict grief on the world with my beefs...they won't chuck.by the way, no matter what anyone tells you, mine smell like roses, I don't know why yours don't and for those of you who know me, eh,....I hope my rep remains intact. but i'm just trying to be real.
being real is this months motto.
anyway, c'est la vie!

I watched it. Didn't expect much.
However(said like my std.5 GHC teacher)...
APOCAPLYPTO!(te-de-deng) was wonderous!.... in an understated kinda way.
Simple story. Nicely put.
Thrilling!
The brits sitting infront of me must have really wondered if 'oooowi' roughly translated into 'hes dodged another one', cause no matter how hard I tried to shikilia... I just had to sypmathise with that jaguar paw chap.
aah, twas a nice movie. I really want to find a forest to run around in now!If you see a random chic zippin past you in the street...yep, thats me!don't mess just make way!
hmm, tangent- you know exercise nowadays is boring!Imagine how much more fun it would be if our lives depended on it(if you think deeply, you'll see the pun was intended) i.e if our survival depended on our fitness; how fast we could dodge arrows or catch some random wild animals for food...we would be fit!very buff!
so let me rephrase my statement...one day you will see some random wild animals hurtling past you.In their wake,will be ms.nyarshady, jumping over mtaro's ,swinging off things, dodging other things, her gaze fixed determinately on their retreating backs and bums . Following her will be flint sky the meanest savage of all savages, heathen kabisa!looks even meaner then those chaps in apocalypto.
We'll all be running towards a forest...maybe karura, if its still exists by the time I return home, and in that forest we'll all live happily ever after,chasing each other, chewing mad adrenalin.... and generally living a very exciting life.'

THE END

I don't think we give kids enough credit.I think they're just amazing!
Today I heard a childs definition of the climate chnage agenda....

'its when we've got holes and we've got no more space to put them in'...
she's bright!

that gets my vote!

you know what!?if I could, I would vote toilets the most intimate place on this earth i.e apart from the womb!

surely you must agree with me pwana!

why?...

i think, i daydream , i do a whole lot of praying, scheming , strategising, even crying once in a while, i hide, i sing, ...eh,oh! sijui gastric cleansing and good books just go! lakini kweli, the toilet is the joint!im sure if we didnt have to sit, you know, we would even dance in there!

ama do these things only happen to me...haya!if they do forget i worte this post...si i said forget i wrote this post!so why are you still reading?!ha!if you are then i guess we're kinda into the same things yurr!

on that note, i know im not yet ready to get married. dont know what i'd say if my husi wanted to come in when i'm , eh, preoccupied.oh goodness!t'would be too much!but then again are people ever ready for these things?

look what I found!

would you feel right using tissue paper with anyones face on it?!weird!theyre selling this ti-ssue for like $9.aish!youd really have to hate him to spend that money on karatasi ya choo!

wah!

God is good!thought I had set my alarm for around 6ish. i needed to be fully alert at that time so that i could read for an exam that i hadn't really been able to prepare for. so at some point in the night, im turning over,(roll, roll) and in my subconscious,i'm contemplating checking the time. you know just to see how many more hours i had till six, you know so that i enjoy them vizuri!wah! twas time!isn't God good!if i hadnt woken up...things would have been even thicker!
then most importantly!i am contemplating career change!this for my information, is just more evidence of his goodness!ive been severely confused the last couple of months! was at a crossroads where the signs were pointing in funny directions e.g 'nende southwest kuliaside'. ok, thats me doting. but on a more serious note, things weren't discernible. so today i gathered a few epiphanies! (ha!knowing me ebu i chill to see if its an epiphany for real) but God is good, now time for hard work and more faith!

Random thoughts for d day!

-I went and bought myself a pick.Now i'm wondering what motivated me. if i'm having problems plaing guitar with my fingers, how much more do i think i''ll do with a random gadget in the way. anyway , this just reminds me of another song we used to sing in assembly,' Caaaarage braaatha do not stumbol, though thy path...' we sang it badly!
-there was a man on the bus, probably mid-fifties, dressed all normal.What made him interesting is that he had tied a very interesting scarf around his head. one of those scarves my granny would wear. He had tied it exactly the same way too!i chekad! twas interesting to look at. the world is very interesting!I wonder what he was thinking when he decided to put it on...people must bethinking the same thing when they look at my nywele..i look like ive put on a hat!
haya, since I'm on the topic of grandmothers. do you know that the older you get , the less likely you're given name will be used . This is interesting!by the time youre like 60 half of the population you interact will be calling you odd nicknames , mama, baba, cucu, babu...etc. So ebu dont blame me when I write mama X, on my nursing home application form.

-I'm struggling with the phrase 'you have potential' , i think it would be nice if people held up blaring sign posts pointing you towards it.potential!pa!
-i think i should do a mini study on this next random thought- if you're planning to come to the UK , look for a place with fewer nyeudhis. Expectations will be lower and you'll be more likely to get the job of your (lesser)dreams. only downside is that you might be fired for singing random freedom songs in the foyer protesting over some mighty glass ceilings!
-the house I live in, moans and groans as if its in labour...or constipated!thats african imagery for you.

of career aspirations...

Today I'm seriously contemplating becoming a house help. It just seems like a simpler route to take, in terms of a career. Why? Given aaaaall my experience, why would I fall short?! I believe I've been involved in domestics since I popped! It didn’t matter whether I was creating the mess or cleaning the mess…I was involved!
Not that I minded so much. We used to be given mapennies when we did housework. Not that that continued and anyway, what are you going to do with 20cents nowadays.
It's funny the way tasks would be meted out and the way they moved from easy to hard… ‘Mami, get me some water/my slippers/ look for my spectacles’…to….. ‘what are you cooking today, oh no! The dogs have messed up the veranda again (pointed look), washing clothes…’.
Heh! It was funny! My mum started us on socks after the housi nearly quit over the state of our socks a. after we bonded with the hockey pitch and b. on rainy days. That means that throughout the year,whatever the season, our socks could not be salvaged.

Anywho,So you see my Cv could detail all types of domestic experience. In terms of skills and competencies, men, even those I could jaza bila shida…
-diplomacy and negotiation- whose going to get the last piece of kuku..
-manipulation- I’m going to get the last chapo!
-discipline-hehe, cause you were disciplined!
...and many other skills that got you out of being chapwad e.g. tears ,
-perseverance-when the tears and excuses didn’t work.
-attention to detail -that kitchen had to be cleaned to very high standards, especially after we’d had like a thou guests.
-diligence -when you and you’re bro are told to tafuta kijiti's for each other!

Ya, so I think I would make a good house help. Plus with a university education don’t you think I could market myself as the next big thing in the domestic industry. Don’t you think this would be a good platform to exhibit my strategic planning, resources management …etc
Sigh, write now those career waters seem incredibly murky! I don’t get it! Why is attainment so elusive! It’s really hard! Never has defining purpose and then sticking to it seemed so mystical. Its a challenge, and in the end , I think it’s just faith that will get me there. God has to see me through.

'Report says Britain's rat population is growing at an alarming rate.'
I'm really trying to learn how to like this country yet such headlines give me cheap thrills!
i couldn't help but think 'kula hiyo!'
not good.i must up my effort. i can't help but wonder if i'll always feel this sense of 'seperatedness'!its sad!

dunia ya wiki hii.

news and television can be fascinating.today i found out that a british woman voluntarily(VOUNTARILY!?) made a trip on her own(SOLO!?) to the north pole(or was it the south?)
AI?! sometimes i dont understand people; all that money, all that energy, the risk of death...how has that act benefited anyone, perhaps, apart from her record breaking self?what would you tell youre child if he/she came up to you to tell you...

'ma, i do d'clare that i'm going to the north pole t'day,uhuh! with a par a skis and some suppliz. we gotsta be fandin out what the ambience is lak aout therre!'
anyway, more on news-Saadam is being executed!im a bit torn. this seems like some dodgy business. that aside, i wonder whose trembling in their boots/ngomas/sandak at the thought of once tyrannical rulers becoming fallible.
-i found this cartoon funny;attach the name of whichever country you please

aaah!today is a good day!i made 12 chapos! and none was dodgy...i.e apart form the shape...aki God is good!its been a long road to this point!woo!im actually overwhelmed!you might be wondering why?im not interested very much in cakes and chocolate and all the other stuff that guys think chics like, my weakness is chapos!and since i was left to my own defenses, i realized that heh!i had to learn, where in theuk was i going to pata chapos of maana...whenever, where ever!...
aaah
now to make them round kabisa!

Life can be quite the adventure!

"Jean Jaque was dead.
my father tried to wipe the glee off his face..but unfortunately ended up looking intensely constipated. the wiry solicitor, believeing this to be a show of a manly grief handed my father the letter and hastily made his exit.
his curiosity tweaked, my father slowly lifted the flap....
it was a letter from Mr.J!

'my dear...ummm... servant,
I do conclude that if you are reading this ..then i must be dead.did my wife kill me?
anyway,in return for your years of service i bequith you my prized possessions.my life's joy. note that i speak in plural my dear boy.

yours

Jaque'

P/s they are enroute to yours by ship and should arrive in a few weeks.

fast forward. a few weeks later......
my fathers gaze fell upon three and a half insidious looking mammals. forever the optimist, he walked towards them, slowly crouching to look the sorriest one in the eye (the half goat) it was a deep, intense look.all of life and its mysteries seemed to be in that one look! this appraisal was interuupted though , by something flapping about to his left...a note!it was attached to one of the goats collars.
with shaking hands, my father unfurled the peice of smelly paper, his heart now moving from his boots to somewhere around his diaphragm...

'i present to you mandy, boo, jethro and o.b....
yours
Jaque'

a sob escaped my fathers lips. then a smirk. then a full bellied roar of a laugh. wiping tears from his eyes he walked slowly back into his domain, his small hut.
and it is with these three and a half very malnourished goats that my father made his millions making Goat cheese in the heart of southern nyanza."

ITS MERRY CHRISTMAS DAY!yep!
im throwing a bash! a huge one!but its card only!and all my imaginary friends had the grace to come...sniff..and each of them with a present and a big hug!awww, the beauty of friendship...
anyway, their appearance inspired me to write something. hence my first short story of no maana. hope you all have a blessed day, God be with you!

it said...

......i was left all alone
'my heart was breaking'
thought was on my own
'soul was aching'
tears covered me
'weeping through the whole night'
and i need some relief
'joy comes in the morning'
i've been searching for
'many years now'
the keys to life's door
'i need to know how'
brought to my knees
'saviour can you help me'
and was led to believe
'a failure i was to be'

His love showed me love said not so
even with the odds against me
love showed me love said not so
keep on holding on
love showed me love said not so.....

Bebe and Cece Winans-Love said not so

Genius!

do we need the money!?

oowi!
i read this article, but its not what it said that made me go oowi!but the comments it generated.so,do super powers and their ilk really have any obligation to us? i know there are sijui how many arguments, be it from slave trade to arms trade and to them being the prime suspects in causing the climatic changes that are upon us!
talk about weather thats beginning to PMS.
however...(said like the primo GHC teacher) we are as much to blame, dont you think? especially if we want to boast about how africans are not stupid! infact ebu i mis-apply a metaphor....it takes two to tango! or three or four or whatever....talk about an interesting tango!but politics on the macro scale attests to the complexity of that tango! haya, i was going off on a tangent.anywho, these comments are the ones that made me want to say...'wacha!'

comment 1!
(this chic i believe must be smoking terere or something!ati arm the women!)
'One thing has become very clear ... the money must go the women who use it constructively and do not squander it as we know the men have done. To rebuild communities the women need to be well armed, and militia trained in order to ward off the destructive men. They will only be rid of these dreadfully destructive wars when they finally get rid of patriarchy, it's killing them all with its greed, its 'need' for instant gratification, and its violence.
Arm the women not just with pots and pans, but with guns and strategies for any defence they may need to maintain their authority. With these determined women in charge all the communities will begin the thrive. ...'


ya pili!
'"As usual, Africans are dying because the greedy bastards in The City or Wall Street or Paris won't think twice about funding private armies to grab African resources."
Africans are dying because other Africans make a conscious choice to do so. I feel no guilt about Africa, and feel no compunction to give my hard earned money to African charity. the only soution to the problems of Africa are for the Africans to work out their own solutions. We cannot solve them with charity, or armed intervention. '

ya tatu!-i chekad
'One of the most effective immediate ways of controlling the killing and hideous forms of rape (vs. date rape) in Darfur, would be for whites to take their tents and set up camp there. ...'

ya nne"-ati erase tribal lines!yep just like that!
'I have to laugh on several articles here you guysare flogging the US/UK for being involved in Iraq then call for US/UK intervention here. Personnally I say let us erase all these false borders that were drawn up during the colonial times and let the local folks decide what state/tribe they live in. In the past tribal affiliations had no bearing as to how the lines were drawn and now you have tribal warfare rading across all these so called borders. I don't think this would stop the fighting it would just make it easier for all involved to identify who is fighting who and which tribe to support or not support.'

wattagwan!

there be plenty a jamaicans in d area dat im livin in nah!it makin me feel like i be part a dem.but d fact dat i gat no dread and me talk african nah...it disqualify me plenty!
anyway, moving on swiftly to some random things ive been thinking about...
-theres a mini territorial war going on in my digz. mostly sprouting from the fact that from misunderstanding stems miscommunication, stems misappropriation and other sillinesses. ai!one of my roomates just fills me with amazement, sometimes this amazement makes me feel like throwing something out the window, but its amazement nonetheless.some of these things, in the vast scheme of life ,would seem very petty. but i tell you,when you find youre mkate always being stuffed into mouldy cupboards or dusty joints in the kitchen...among other things!heh!you do wonder. ive caught dysentry once! i dont need to be catching random mutations of britto diseases! we've already had one meeting!i dont like confrontation...sigh. and the thing is she is a nice person.
-i was being told there was a tornado in london...what would i do if a tornado fikad here considering im like 2hours away from london!aki you should me chuking mortal kombat moves with my faithful umbrella every time upepo blasts me.
-now how often should miro hair be washed?pong notwithstanding.
-Moab! in the book of Jeremiah (around ch.48)God punishes these peeps because of their haughtiness, their pride, because of their trust, not in him, but in their deeds and riches.they have a good thing going but alas, they mess it up!and i cant say why, but this made me want to pray forKenya. i thought about the so called 'african pride' and realized that is has facets of good and evil. majorty have discarded the good.i thought about yuppiedom and the way in which it embraces artifice.i thought about the materialism thats overtaking much of kenya. When kids are taught directly and indirectly that success is defined by what they have which seems rational considering the prevailing socio-political-economic climate. but how many people teach their kids, neices,nephews how to love, give, serve or do it themselves?its not that much of a wonder then why many africans are still stuck in a never-ending rut!
then i thought about the way things can get thick!!!and im sure youve heard this cliche lakini be sure of it that moab wasnt the first and its not gonna be the last!
and i part with thesewords....it only be God who can be helpin us nah!cha!(sound effects) we all neeed t' be gettin our focus right and nat be messing about wit d wrong tings man!money aint gona get ya noo-where!and neither are dese wordly tings nah!bless!one luv!
-

wakarao gani hawa?!

now!
you!
yes you!
how are you?
ive never asked that question on a blog before...but it is good to ask dont you think?
anyway!i really wanted to write a shairi about what im about to describe, but clearly acing my KCPE swa exams ...eh did not equip me for such a task!which is sad, because after all those beatings...sniff!we were really beaten! the implement of choice was a rod called something black. i was lucky to have escaped it only to be handwad by the math TA and a black board ruler that had no name!
however, the pont is after those beatings,i should be rendering sweet shairis with the best of them. but alas!
moving on swiflty, i was walking towards the bus stop. it had been a long day and the whole concept of days becoming shorter and colder and darker earlier...had wearied my soul.
so there i am walking, walking, daydreaming, walking, and then i look up and lo!ehe!this was a ghafula bin vu moment (for those of you who aced swa like me)
i had found myself in a mini-cop scene!wow!how exciting!
please note:if i was back home i would have kept myself at a safe distance where i could either run or jump into a jav or shop or something ,if anything were to go wrong. but i just kept walking! the whole idea of drama i believe, tugs at some primitve thing in every kenyans heart.
but im not reckless.i knew i was more or less safe cause there were just 3 cops. and here the way ive seen it, theres some sort of hierarchy of alarm when dealing with cops.

• theres the cops who walk around, usually with a walki talki, bright reflector vests and maybe a flashlight...or 2. havent seen any of them with rungus though. these are the regulars. i generally feel nothing for these ones.
• then theres the cops on the piki-pikis, i hardly see them but if i did, i would probabaly be a bit more careful!
• and then therees the big guns!the ones with the cars. there the ones who piga kelele all over the city zooming from one neighbourood to the other.aki someitmes i wonder if they really do jobo.lakini considering the way gangs can be silly here...

so i get to the bus stop and my interst is piqued. these 3 cops are talking to a man on the ground who is calmly eating a sandwich and this man is generally paying them no heed.he's friend however,is busy verbally decorating the atmosphere with various expletives directed at the cop(s). now i try and get close enough to hear whats going on. but i cant hear!
aaah!
and another problem with the folk here is that people think themselves too polite to be curious! the joy of being kenyan is that youll always get the storo!or some version of it!
this didnt look like it was about to happen.
so the whole vibe ended there. bila flair!i was quite dissapointed!they just picked up the guy, who was still eating his sandwich and whisked him away.
imagine how entertaining(human rights issues aside) 3 kenyan cops/watchmen would have been!
sigh.at that moment the entire population of the city i lived in seemed irredeemably dull!

sense of self?

".....the world sets in to making us what the world would like us to be , and because we have to survive after all , we try to make ourselves into something that we hope the world will like better than it apparently did the selves we originally were. That is the story of all our lives,needless to say, and in the process of living out that story, the original, shimmering self gets buried so deep that most of us hardly end up living out of it at all. instead we live out all our other selves which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the worlds weather"
Frederick Buechner-Telling Secrets

hmmm

nation branding

an article in the guardian reminded me of a discussion i had last week where i literally wanted to to beat sense into someones head.its funny the way there are so many people here who are ignorant of the notion of nation branding and the effect it has on perceptions and ultimately action.

muziki

theres heaps of debate on the ingenuity of kenyan music and the state of the industry thereof.
ive come across different opinions e.g

• the kenyan music industry is trying too hard to ape industries in other parts of the world without considering the market in which they want to sell their music
• kenya has much talent but quality control ,in terms of good production, good training , good equipment , good service etc is lacking
• the kenyan music scene is filled with cliques!now in most cases you need these cliques to establish yourselffirmly, however, (said like those teachers in primo) these cliques seem mildly impenetrable. catch 22!
• kenyans need to spend more time perfecting and learning more about their art.theres a lot of authentic stuff out there , be it DO misiani , katitu boys or some random orutu player jamming o the sidewalk.we have loads of traditional stuff to draw from .but we ignore it. kenyans are becoming culturally emaciated.
• anyone can love music but few are willing to work at it or develop as artists.
• kapuka this kapuka nini!what kind of music is that.bila substance.
• musicians in kenya need to learn how to take it one step at a time. thers no way we'll become the best over night.it takes much investment that most musicians are not willing to undertake.

and so on and so forth!yurr!theres much to be said. i love music. really . so ebu stop pirating kenyan music! even when you think its wack but you just like that one song on the album. dont hate aimlessly but support! support! support! support the artisits around you. dont criticise out of a vacuum!you may have no idea what youre talking about or what it takes .criticise constructively .

AND dont forget youre culture!HEH! people forget the richness that our cultures add to life. and im not giving you a license to be uncouth! take the good aspects of youre culture and roll with them. and usisahau God comes first. sometimes i cant imagine what music in heaven will be like. hes the ultimate composer. knows where a harmony will touch your soul mpaka you only be able to say wahlalalala!